BIOLOGY.

Of course I did, because I am a masochistic loser with a strange sense of self worth. I mean, I love myself - I’m a fairly rad human being. But when it comes to Barrett I am a child. All I want is for him to be nice to me even though we are no longer together. Do I want a romantic relationship with him? Probably not. Abuse has already been established. I can only be hit in the face with a mallet so many times - once was enough for me. He has left me full of so much hurt. I can’t believe I let another person hurt me like that. Where the fuck is my self love? Why am I talking to the man who berated me for a year and a half?

I’ll tell you why, the 0 people who are reading. Because I felt sorry. Everyone tells me I shouldn’t feel sorry, but I do. I feel sorry for screaming and crying and making a fool out of myself. I sat on the phone with this man and just wept, apologizing. He was surprisingly human, told me he accepted my apology. Told me he would get me my things. And my cat. That we could be friends once we’re both seeing a doctor. And I guess that’s all I want, to be friends.

It’s hard to let go of someone like Barrett. He gave me my first psychedelic trip. He took God away from me. He was there for some of the happiest times in my life. But he hit me and cheated on me and lied, lied, lied. And treated me like I was a burden and a whore and a fool with no ambition. I never used to feel that way about myself, but now I find myself asking myself, “Are you a burden?” “Are you a whore?”

I don’t feel romance towards Barrett. That isn’t it at all. I don’t want to hold his hand or kiss him or anything like that. It would just mean the world to me if he could say, “You were worth everything.” I would feel much better, But he won’t say that.

So time to move on. I think it’ll be easy. I am hoping so. I want to get out there and start having fun and meet new people. I want a fucking date, to see what it’s like to be treated with respect. I want to feel cute. I want to feel interesting! I want to fuck someone who ISN’T Barrett. I want an orgasm. I want foreign fingers interlaced with mine. I want cuddles and snuggles and I want to feel good about them. I want someone to look at me and smile.